Interview with a Tortoise, er Turtle

There are several Interviews. They are fun to read with someone and are just like Henry & George, dialogs.


Interview With a Tortoise, er, Turtle
by
Robin Hall


Interviewer: How’s it going, eh?

Turtle: OK. Yourself?

Interviewer: Well, uh, OK I guess. I didn’t figure you could actually talk. I thought the guys at the store were putting me on.

Turtle: Sure.

I: Is it OK to call you Tortoise?

T: NO! I hate that name. Its so French. And how would you pronounce it anyway? Tor twa? No way.

I: Sorry.

T: Sure.

I: What can I call you?

T: Turtle is fine.

I: Well now, Turtle, can you tell me a little about yourself?

T: Like what?

I: You know, the usual. Where you were born, where do you live, how did you learn to talk? That sort of thing.

T: Oh.

I: ??

T: I was just thinking.

I: Sure.

T: How old are you sonny?

I: I, er, I’m 26.

T: Hmmm. I’m almost 103. I hardly feel a day over 80 most of the time.

I: I see.

T: Do you?

I: No. Just a figure of speech.

T: Watch it then.

I: Sorry.

T: Sure. Where was I? Where am I? Heh, heh. Little turtle joke.

I: Very funny. Say, you ever watch Jay Leno?

T: Once or twice. Used to catch the Carson show sometimes. This old coot been trying to catch ME for years had a fishing shack up the bend there would watch. Mostly he just drank beer, fished a little and passed out. I’d walk up near the window and listen in. Past my bedtime though these days, the Late Show. Must be gettin’ old.

I: Sure.

T: Right. Actually like that Leno better but its just too late of an evening. Mosquitoes start buzzing around my nose make me sneeze. I turn in about sundown, put some moss over my nose and sleep like a log.

I: Kinda look like one too.

T: Say, you a wise guy or sumpin?

I: Sorry.

T: Yeah, I sorta do look like a cross between a log and one of those smelly alligators. I hate them critters. One almost got me when I was your age, about the middle of that stupid Prohibition era. Folks was plain mean then. Pl'ice raids made decent folks maddern a wet hen, which by the way are quite tasty. Folks would take out their anger on them alligators and the alligators would always come looking for one of us to take it out on. Or just looking for a snack, never really know with those varmits...

I: Go on.

T: Like I said, I turn in early.

I: How was it in those days? Were people different? How about this swamp? When were you born?

T: Right. Let’s see. Where to begin? Well, I’m not too clear my early years. Something happened around 1910, I was about 13 at the time. All of a sudden... Naw, you’d think I was crazy.

I: No, please go on.

T: All right, but no laughing ‘less I laugh too.

I: OK.

T: OK. So, it was around 1910. Stock market was in pretty good shape, no World Wars. Pretty good time for some folks. Us turtles had a tough time of course, like always. Running from people, alligators, ‘skeeters, dogs.
Ha. That reminds me. There was this old blue tick hound across the way, uh, Winnebago they called him. Dumb name for a dumb dog. Anyway, Winnebago used to chase his tail till he got dizzy and plumb fell over. He actually believed it was food or something. Don’t really know though. Me and the other turtles would just howl when he done that. He’d stagger around for an hour like’t he was drunk.
Still, he never bothered none of us alligator turtles like some dogs would. Just sniff a bit then walk off. Alligator got him one day he was dizzy. I hate them gators.

I: Let me change the tape if you don’t mind.

T: Sure. I’ll get a drink. BRB.

I: OK.

T: Batteries fresh?

I: Yes, thank you.

T: In that funny fall of 1910 something strange happened. One day I was just some turtle then WHAM, I can think all of a sudden. Took me a week to figure out what to do. Man that was weird. Just a turtle, then WHAM.

I: Wow. Then what?

T: Then? That is a tough one. I am sure life was easier before I began to think.
Thinking is a drag sometime you know. All of a sudden you have to occupy time. Before you just
WERE.
Now I know stuff, before I just did stuff. Hard to explain I ‘spose. The other turtles didn’t have a clue what went wrong with me. I couldn't tell them.
I was lonely a lot till I met my wife. Good turtle she was. Had lots of spirit. We swam all over the swamp here, one end to the other. One year we swam all the way round the outside. Next year we’d criss cross and see the islands and all. She almost understood too, almost.

I: Must have been rough, thinking when the others didn’t.

T: Yes.

I: Can you tell me about the swamp here?

T: Well, round 1937 the swamp was designated Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge. Things got a little better for the animals here. Before the local folks would cause all sorts of trouble with hunting and all.
Fact, they got even better in 1974 when the interior was declared a national wilderness area. Really keeps folks out good. See that stream over there? Used to be full of soap and fertilizer run off. Whew, was this area nasty. Almost kilt a lot of us. Well, after 1974 all that stopped and its come back real nice don’t you think?

I: Of course. Its beautiful here. Do you have many friends?

T: Not too many. Youngsters come down to the water sometime and behave decent we might be friends for a while. There’s a bear in the woods about 3 miles from here I talk to. Ugly cuss he is but knows all bout trains. He seen them in 3 states. Tells me all about his travels. I'd like to travel on a train sometime...

I: Say, how about a ride in a car?

T: You mean it?

I: Yes indeed. You won’t bite me will you?

T: No.

I: OK. How’s this, you can sit on my suitcases up front. Up you go, now over a bit. You alright?

T: Great. Man this is terrific.

I: Just an old clunker I’ve had since school.

T: Stick shift?

I: Yes. I never liked automatics.

T: How fast this baby go?

I: Almost 80.

T: Man oh man.

I: Watch this. See that bump up there? We can fly a bit when we hit it. Be careful, let me strap you in. OK, here goes...

T: WOOOOOOWwwwwwwwww.

I: I thought you would like that.

T: Say, you’re all right for a human.

I: Thanks. You mind if I come back to talk some more?

T: No. Just honk three times when you come over that hill and I will come on back to the beach here.

I: OK. Well, its been a pleasure.

T: Yeah, me too. Thanks for that ride. I didn’t catch your name.

I: Man, just call me man.

T: OK, man. See you.

I: See you, turtle....